Dear Miss Aana (It's Silly!)

Dear Miss Aana,
I don't really know how to tell you this, but your nostrils are insulting. I think I realized it When I saw the purple monkey
in your closet and I saw you pull the pants off my kneecaps. I'm sure you're ashamed enough to understand that I'm allergic to your earlobes. I'm returning your love letters to me to you, but I'll keep your glass eye as a memory. You should also know that I never will forget that night and the apartment building is on fire.
Greeting to your frog Leonard,
Miss Nina.


...

So, "WTF?" am I right? XD
It's just this old thing! go on! Have a go!

(I picked you Aana, because I felt like it )

Dear (their name),
I don't really know how to tell you this, but (1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8.) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).
(12),
(Your name)


1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I finally changed my underwear
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August - When you smacked my ass
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny-dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I threw up in your sock drawer

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Chicken- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Seafood - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Other- With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bite off
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple - My best friend
Red – My kneecaps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 CD
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other --The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Drunk
Top Model - Middle-class
Other - Ashamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The Middle East is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex change
Silly - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your love letters to me
Yellow - Your toe ring
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching Snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - My virginity
C/D - The oil tank from your car
E/F - Your neighbor’s dog
G/H - Your photo with the mustache drawn on it
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your suicide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorities that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Want your brother instead of you
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Get sick when I think of your feet
S/T - Always wanted to break your legs
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I'm scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war.
Snapple/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked out
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonard
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - your everlasting enemy
USA - Best of luck on the sex change
Egypt – Kiss my butt
England - Go drown yourself

Dear Xiexie,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our affair is over. I think I realized it when you put cuffs on me at the mental hospital and I saw you sit on the elephant in the corner. I'm sure you're senile enough to understand that I get turned on by garbage men. I'm returning your love letters to me to you, but I'll keep the oil tank from your car as a memory. You should also know that I will try to forget you broke my heart and I'm off to lead a new life as a lemon.

Greetings to your frog Leonard,
Diane

---
Based on the Darko/Benign User method:

Dear Darko,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our romance is over. I think I realized it the night you picked your nose under the bus and I saw you put whipped cream on your 'My Little Pony' collection. I'm sure you're ashamed enough to understand that there is no solution to you being a dumb kid. I'm returning your old New Kids on the Block blanket to you, but I'll keep my common sense as a memory. You should also know that I mocked you behind your back constantly and you should get that embarrassing rash checked out.

Go drown yourself,
Princess

----

Nina, hands down... this made my effin' day!!!

Dear Benign,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but you're a leprechaun. I think I realized it when your dog humped my leg with George Bush and Stephen Harper* and I saw you sit on my boyfriend. I'm sure you're drunk enough to understand that your driving sucks**. I'm returning the couch cushions to you, but I'll keep the glass eye as a memory. You should also know that I told my psychiatrist about the bruises and you ruined my attempts at another world war.

Please don't hurt me,

Matthew Poon (the Awesome) GCMG, Ph.D, DLitt., DMus., ARCT, etc...



*That's just wrong...
**By that, I mean you drive worse than a Chinese person.

Dear Matthew,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our socks don't match. I think I realized it when I finally changed my underwear in your closet and I saw you sit on my father. I'm sure you're cowardly enough to understand how awful you are. I'm returning your love letters to me to you, but I'll keep the oil tank from your car as a memory. You should also know that I want your brother instead of you and I'm scratching my butt as you read this.

Your everlasting enemy,

Darko


Edit: added several hours later. For the purposes of this being a different letter I'm writing it under the first name Benign, last name User. Benign User's birthday shall be his date of registration - September 24th. His favorite food shall be the never-again-to-be-mentioned burnt chicken. His walls are blue since the forum background is blue.


Dear Potgenie,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I’m joining the Convent. I think I realized it last year when you peed your pants in your car and I saw you hit on my father. I'm sure you're ashamed enough to understand that I'm allergic to your earlobes. I'm returning the couch cushions to you, but I'll keep my virginity as a memory. You should also know that I get sick when I think of your feet and your cucumber-fetishism is weird.

Warm tingly sensations,

Benign

Dear Diane,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I’m joining the Convent. I think I realized it when you put cuffs on me in a clown suit and I saw you sit on my kneecaps. I'm sure you're middle-class enough to understand that I'm allergic to your earlobes. I'm returning your car to you, but I'll keep your photo with the mustache drawn on it as a memory. You should also know that I will try to forget that you broke my heart and I'm scratching my butt as you read this.

Go milk a cow,
Xiexie

--

Blatantly copied-and-pasted note: For the purposes of replying a certain letter I'm using the first name Pot, last name Genie. Potgenie's birthday shall be her date of registration - January 4th. Her favorite food shall be chocolate. Her walls are white now just because.

Dear BenignUser,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but you're a leprechaun. I think I realized it that night you picked your nose with George Bush and Stephen Harper and I saw you pour syrup on my father. I'm sure you're ashamed enough to understand that you need a sex change. I'm returning your love letters to me to you, but I'll keep your collection of butterflies as a memory. You should also know that never will forget that night and you should get that embarrassing rash checked out.

Kiss my butt,
Potgenie

Dear the first Canadian here, Alyss,
I don't really know how to tell you this, but our romance is over. I think I realized it when I quoted Forrest Gump with Jean Chrétien and I saw you sit on my boyfriend. I'm sure you're frostbitten enough to understand that I'm allergic to your earlobes. I'm returning your love letters to me to you, but I'll keep your left ear as a memory. You should also know that I will always remember the pep talks and I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo.
Go milk a cow,
The second Canadian here, Jazzehstarr.

Dear citizens of the DCF,
I don't really know how to tell you this, but you're a leprechaun. I think I realized it when you smacked my ass in your apartment and I saw you sit on my father. I'm sure you're ashamed enough to understand The Middle East is planning their revenge on you. I'm returning your car to you, but I'll keep the results of that blood sample as a memory. You should also know that I Never will forget that night
and I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo.

Go milk a cow,
Rain

O.M.G.

I haven't seen this in YEARS!

Dear Mistress Nina,
I don't really know how to tell you this, but purple hedgehogs want to destroy you. I think I realized it last year when you peed your pants with George Bush and Stephen Harper and I saw you sit on your ‘My Little Pony’ collection. I'm sure you're drunk enough to understand that your driving sucks. I'm returning your old New Kids on the Block blanket to you, but I'll keep my virginity as a memory. You should also know that I want your brother instead of you and I'm scratching my butt as you read this.

Warm tingly sensations/Go milk a cow,

Miss Aana.

Dear Jazzeh* (the other Canadian),
I don't really know how to tell you this, but I'm selling myself for candy. I think I realized it when your dwarf bit me in your closet and I saw you carve your initials into my illegitimate child in Ghana. I'm sure you're ashamed enough to understand that I may pee my pants. I'm returning your old New Kids on the Block blanket to you, but I'll keep my virginity as a memory. You should also know that I will not tell the authorities that you stole the whale from the backyard and you ruined my attempts at another world war.
Go milk a cow,
Alyss

emotionless-robot wrote:

Dear Jazzeh* (the other Canadian)

I feel somewhat left out...

Dear ARC (the other other Canadian),

I don't really know how to tell you this, but your nostrils are insulting. I think I realized it when I threw up in your sock drawer outside of your office and I saw you pull the clothes off the Catholic Priest. I'm sure you're senile enough to understand that we're related. I'm returning your car to you, but I'll keep my virginity as a memory. You should also know that I will not tell the authorities that you stole the whale from the backyard and your cucumber-fetisism is weird.

Warm tingly sensations,

Alyss



[P.S. I used my sisters for this one XD]

I'm Canadian, too!

Dear Benign (the other other other Canadian),

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our romance is over. I think I realized it when I tripped on peanut butter at the Elton John concert and I saw you sit on my kneecaps. I'm sure you're high enough to understand how awful you are. I'm returning your Hannah Montana underwear to you, but I'll keep your glass eye as a memory. You should also know that I will not tell the authorities that you stole the whale from the backyard and thanks for the cocaine.

Your everlasting enemy,

Alyss


There. Is that everyone?? I've had to resort to using my parents for this, you know...

I think that's it for Canadians...

I think you guys missed out Alexa! (If I remember right...)

I'm part Canadian too...French Canadian! And I live in America! Unsure about the rest of me...being adopted sort of left out the other half...

*looks around, raises hand*

Can I be Canadian, too?

Only if you can stand the cold and the snow-shovelling (or be rich enough to get someone to do it for you).

I think you have to do some cititzenship thing too...but that's just formality.

And there went all my hopes and aspirations!

Wow... there're so many Canadians here! Lol.

I've always wanted to shovel snow! Think about all the weight you can lose from gorging on hot chocolate and marshmallows in the chilly winter!

(No offense to Americans here, by the way)

There was this one time my family went to Miami, and we were at Denny's (a restaurant). Then my brother made this weird comment about how Americans are generally fatter because they don't shovel snow.

Ha, that's wicked!

And of course the stupidest place to say that is Miami... which generally never sees snow...

Yes, your brother is a genius.

yeah, we pay the little tots $5 a pop to shovel our snow, and then the snow just starts coming again and we wait not-so-patiently for the next kid to come around.

XD

(I'm one of those kids, btw.)